Bob Merlotti, writer.

They say if you put an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of laptops, they’ll eventually write the Great American Novel. Unfortunately, they’d write a Kevin James vehicle first. Also, monkeys are terrifying; google “chimpanzee attack protocol.”

This is where I come in. I’m a professional writer. See that semicolon above? Not an accident, my friend.

Why else should you hire me instead of a surfeit of simians?

I’ve written jokes for the President of the United States. (Pay me, Barry. I’ve seen your book advance.)

I’ve written Super Bowl ads. Big ass ads (and small ass ones). Branded content. Print. Radio. I’ve won shiny international awards for campaigns, worked with lots of funny people, and run creative departments.

I write and produce a scripted comedy podcast, because I live in California and it’s required by law. Download it, please.

I’ve written sitcoms about advertising, about a clueless one-percenter, and a parody of Sunday news programs. Also, a few spec scripts.

I’ve written for MAD. Contributed jokes to charity. It was my brief honor to be the Facebook voice of Mr. Peanut.

I’ve written screenplays. One’s about the price of fame. One’s about the cost of being cynical. One’s about a superhero with a prosthetic head.

Thanks for stopping by. Drop me a line, I won’t bite.

But monkeys do.